Change is difficult but, I'm doing it.

My little brother is having a party downstairs right now. Things have
changed around here since I left in 2017 to go live with my aunt, dad, and
cousins.

Last weekend I made the decision, kind of spontaneously, to move back in
with my Mom for a bit. I thought I’d only be staying for a few days but, my
whole world has changed and that plan fell through. At my mom’s everything’s
more relaxed, no one’s walking on egg shells here, and no one really gets angry
or critical because they are dealing with their own shit. Of course, it’s not
perfect, but the air here is less heavy than it was at my dad’s.

I do feel bad for leaving them in that house. The tension and negative
energy there could be cut with a knife. I guess I hadn’t known how bad it was
until I came here. The minute I walked in I physically felt lighter, like a
weight had just been lifted from my shoulders.

Also met my mom’s new boyfriend, which I had been putting off because of
irrational fears of rejection. He’s a real great guy and I realized when I
started talking to him, how silly it was to have ruminated and been anxious
over meeting him for the past three months.

Of course, my social anxiety isn’t gone, but, I feel like I have more
control being here. For example, I went to go see my niece I haven’t seen in a
year. We hadn’t been able to see her because my older brothers drug abuse and
relationship fell apart. And for some reason his girlfriend blamed us? I don’t
know but she decided to keep Lily from us. She resented us. So, meeting up and
seeing her was a nice surprise. Especially since lily is going through a lot. I
mean before all this shit happened in my family, she was here almost every
weekend and to then all of a sudden be ripped away from us… She’s getting
into trouble at school and getting in fights with her teachers, too, mind you she’s
only in 4th grade. She’s very angry. She goes to therapy though and that’s
helped a lot. But, my brother calling her on occasion makes her so incredibly
sad. She cries and cries all day after getting off the phone with her dad. (Her
dad, by the way, is having another kid with another woman in Florida). So, you
can imagine how she feels.

Anyways, we met at sky zone. Sure, it was a little awkward at first. My mom
and lily’s mom got in a serious fight about meeting up a few days ago. But,
they talked things out and it seems like they worked it all out while my
brother and I played with our niece.

I would have never even considered going if I was at my Dads. It’s sad to
say but, even though I hadn’t seen my niece in so long, I wouldn’t have gone
because of my anxiety.

I can’t do that anymore. I can’t avoid things that may potentially make me
uncomfortable. The alternative is much worse. Lol. If I let my anxiety run the
show I’ll probably end up a hermit in the woods somewhere living off the land.
… Which doesn’t sound SO bad…. But, you know, deep down I don’t really want
that.

Old family friend came to visit my dad this weekend. Went over to have
dinner tonight. I felt anxious and that feeling of anxiety didn’t really go
away. So, it just affirmed my beliefs of inadequacy and paranoid thoughts of
“Does he like me?” “Am I being rude or weird in some way?”,
“Maybe everyone can tell I’m feeling uncomfortable… does that make them
feel uncomfortable that I’m feeling uncomfortable? Am I making them feel uncomfortable?“.. And it just spirals and spirals, until I’m absolutely convinced everyone is sick of me and I’m bad company.

I even left feeling bummed out. Still do because my anxious thoughts all say
I made a complete utter fool out of my self and likely embarrassed my entire
family by just being myself (anxiety included). It didn’t help the guy that
came to visit was so intimidating. Very intelligent and nice enough of a guy
sure. But, his laugh seemed forced. And every conversation seemed just a little
off like everyone was analyzing and waiting baited breath. Strange I thought.
But, then again that is just my perspective and because of my irrational fears
I could be totally spinning that narrative… I’m not sure. It’s like I can’t
even trust myself.

But, even though things felt odd over there. I still went. I still got
through the evening. And I shouldn’t be so critical because I’m the only one
thinking this. And it honestly. doesn’t. really fucking matter in the long run.

God I’m fed up with pointless anxiety. I didn’t die, nothing terrible or
absolutely modifying even happened!

So, all in all things are getting a little better. Just best to stay away
from my dad’s while everyone, again, slowly goes mad from cabin fever this
winter. 

Alright,

Logging off,

Co

“Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I’m not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.” 
― Charles Bukowski