Self-loathing on Thanksgiving

Do you ever know somethings a bad idea but you do it anyways?

This will be my second thanksgiving I havent spent with the ones I love the most; my sister, brother, sister in-law, and niece. It’s all because I outted my sisters boyfriend for what he did to me when I was younger, and my brother isnt here because the same year everything went down with my sister, he was off doing crack. My sister and I havent spoken in 2 years. And my older brother is in Florida with a new girl he knocked up. We hope hes sober but you can never really tell..

This year I didnt even see my mom. She went to her new rich boyfriends house for thanksgiving. So, I spent this year with my Dad, Aunt, cousins, and little brother.

My brother is a pot head and parties all the time. He never used to be like this before I told him how fucked up things were getting within our family. In fact, he was a straight edge kid. Never even had a sip of alcohol when given to him. He always felt he would become addicted like his Dad. Which is fair considering..

I picked him up today and he said he wasnt staying long. He had friends he wanted to hangout with after. I told him “you sure you dont want to stay till dad gets home from work, he’ll be sad he didnt get to see you” to which he replied “I already made plans”. He never stays the night and he rarely ever comes over. I get it. My dad is really hard on him about grades and stresses him out bad about college, the future, money, etc. I see it in his face. He doesnt know. He’s only 17. But, anyways so I said “Alright well you’ll have to call him and break his heart”. He said “yeah… it breaks moms heart too that we arent all together during the holiday”… I said “yeah well its not just her, were all hurting this time of year”…

There was a long pause. Then I asked if she had cried or something, he said no. And we pulled in the driveway.

That hurts me. I feel like its my fault things are all fucked up.

I broke up the family. My older brother had a part in it as well, but, overall it was me.

I know its my fault because my mom has even said, numerous times, whether directly or not that its my responsibilty to bring the family back together. Something along the lines of “Your sister is in denial and you just need to accept she wont come around unless you are in her life again. Youre the bigger person in this situation.” Of course, that never happened. It would crush me to have her deny what happened and believe him over me, her little sister, all over again. So, I just wait with all this anger, sadness, and guilt. I’m not entirely sure what I’m waiting for. Her to finally realize? And say sorry? Slim chance. And even if she had, things would never be the same.

That hurts the most above all. Things will never be the same between us. We had the closest relationship. She was my idol, my role model, my “mom” basically. She was always there for me and I was always there for her. We were bestfriends. We had the best relationship. But, clearly not a bulletproof realtionship. Not a real strong one anyway.

I hate him. For what he did. For the pain he’s caused my family. And I’m angry at her for not believing me, cutting me off, and blaming me.

I know I need to forgive. I need to forgive them to be able to move on. But, how the fuck does someone do that??? I want to. But, I dont know if i can.

So, here I am. Drinking alone. Again.

I know I shouldnt. It’s very self destructive of me lol. But, sometimes you feel like you have to loosen the pressure gauge alittle. I cant keep all of it in right?

Logging off,

Co

Alcohol Dependent Family

Talking with my therapist today made me realize how much alcohol has influenced my life. It was easy to deny anyone had any problem, I mean they aren’t drunk before noon or belligerent drunk. But, they are wasted drunk, dont remember anything the next day drunk.

Richard tells me I’ve internalized a lot of “constructive criticism” as a kid. I put that in quotes because its more like micro-manage, look over your shoulder, type of criticism. My dad’s not a bad guy, dont get me wrong, he’s probably the nicest person you’d ever meet, but, he has a drinking problem. And drinking makes things unpredicatable in a household. This past year of living with him, my aunt and cousins has really showed me that.

To understand, you have to understand my dad’s life. He grew up in Wisconsin. Lived with two other siblings with his mom. She was a single mother, had never gotten over her womanzing sex addict ex-husband, and was a drunk. She’d cry and cry everynight. She’d tell her little children how awful their dad was. They’d go to bed and she’d stay up drinking, watching tv, alone, sobbing and crying herself to sleep. When they got a little taller, old enough to drive, she’d start to get mean and nasty when she’d drink. Tell them they’d never amount to anything and that they were no better than her beloved brother, Jimmy, who had died of lung cancer. This continued to happen just about every night.

He was a teenager, so of course he got into drinking like everyone else in Wisconsin. Partying, drinking, doing whatever drug came his way. Come on, it was the 70s! But, then things started to not be so fun anymore. Came senior year and he didnt know what the hell he was gonna do. Next year and the year after that. Till he was 23 years old looking around and releazied he’d become a low-life just like everyone else in his hometown. I’m sure you’ve heard the story… So, he goes off to the military and things are looking up for him. He’s no dummy. Smart. Everything comes easy to him. He goes into nuclear egineering school in the navy and comes out able to make some good money. Here’s where the drinking comes to play.

He drinks because he’s depressed. He drinks to celebrate. He drinks because he’s bored. What ever the reason, he became dependent. And since 30 years old he “lost all motivation to do anything.”

Everything you expect, comes along with drinking; anger, frustration, sadness, shame, and isolation. Emotions are heightened, so you can only imagine what happens when everyone in the house drinks till they are glassy eyed drunk. Lots of nights crying, fighting, and collective feelings of guilt or shame. Not a great environment to be in…

Children of an alcohol dependent parent, I’ve come to learn through therapy, are very approval seeking because not only do they feel like they dont have a “normal” family, but, they feel the constant responsiblity to “fix” everything that’s wrong within the family. Or at least thats the case for me. I feel like I have to be the light house everyone can seek out for comfort. I’m an easy going person with my lack of confidence and constant need for approval lol. Enough said.

If you have a parent with a tendency to drink a little too often and in excess here are some traits you might have now as an adult.

1. Are more concerned with others than themselves.

2. Have difficultly following a project through beginning to end.

3. Exhibit black and white thinking.

4. Have difficulty have fun.

5. Judge themselves harshly.

6. Constantly seek approval.

7. Feel different from others.

8. ‘Love’ those who need rescuing.

9. Feel guilty for standing up for themselves.

10. Extremely loyal.

Read more about what each trait means @ https://www.thecabinchiangmai.com/blog/personality-traits-and-characteristics-of-adult-children-of-alcoholics/

I know I exhibit all of these.

Oh and I’ll list some of the positives if you are feeling a little down about all the things I just pointed out.

We are very resilient people over all. We tend to be much more loyal, responsible, intuitive, empathic, and driven individuals.

So, some good things came out of it right??

Anyways, I’m learning to seperate myself from the criticism and not internalize it so much. Any micro-managing I do get is translated to “You’re not adequate”, “You’re not smart”, or “I dont have trust in your abilities as a person”. I internalize all of it and can be unrelenting. But, it’s not me it’s them. Their guilt, their shame, and their dependency. They have this impluse to control because they arent in control. It hurts to be constantly belittled, patronized, and criticized but, it’s how I react to the emotion or thought that matters.

Not everythings my fault.

Logging off,

Co

“That’s the problem with drinking. I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.” – Charles Bukowski