I give up

Do what you will

Douse my body with pedals

Float me down a river and burn me

Bury me

Make me in ash

I don’t care

Let me go out peacefully

and don’t let those people laugh at me

tired of living in a cloud

if you’re gonna say shit

say it now

I’ll be the last to know

farewell

It’s okay

don’t wanna see the light when it’s dyin

the trees skin torn from it’s limbs

raw and bare intestines

darkened by the light

once given it’s life

it’s remedy

now took

and continued taking

now a dwindled

thin and sorry body

laid down echoing it’s last breath

‘okay’

Drown

drowning

sufficating

the hand with the cloth pressing against my mouth

I seal my lips

struggling

he pulls me to the ground

pavement feels so cold, so comforting

I take my last gulp of air

giving in

I feel my spirit

lift and fall

he’s won

me..

I’m drifting out towards sea

sinking

I let the water rush in

it pools in my mouth, my eyes, my ears

in this moment

he

he has won

at last

To my sister

In labor with the second

Breaking my heart

Even deeper than she was

How does it feel?

To believe your own lies

So disconnected, so detached

Hope you get what you’re looking

You think.. maybe this will fix everything

It won’t but you hold so tightly

thinking.. why is this so difficult

why do I feel the tides pull away

I gave my everything

still leeching

he so proud and pompous

somethings off

but you say

nothing

and sit quietly like the housewife

you’ve chosen to be

idle

I’m tired

I’m tired of this numb

deafening feeling I carry

like a ball n chain, a old hag, a nagging wife

no release no escape of this awful vacant feeling

its so loud yet so quiet

I just want to scream, cry, hurt…. anything

It’s like a hot burning coal

cooking my insides

unable to throw it up

so it just stays there.. morning and night

comfort in desolation

Written millions of times over “All the suffering in the world..” blah blah blah.

So many people feeling the same feelings..

Everyone expressing their hurt in different ways..

Just something to feel that release..

A oneness in the suffering and loneliness..

They cuddle up to the comforting feeling..

And rationalize their evening habits..

I don’t know anymore.

I convince myself that writing about my problems is causing more harm than good. But, I can’t tell anymore.

I think I’m more afraid to face my issues. Anything I type is bringing gravity and truth to my words with every click of a button. It’s why I’ve avoided going to therapy as well.

I feel the more I avoid these issues, the less existentialism I have to deal with and the less anxiety I’ll have about simply existing.

I’ve become detached from my virtuish self. My righteous perfectionist “I need to fix everything” self. And it feels great! Why do I have to constantly be doing the right thing. I’m over that.

I just want to live the way I choose and not psychoanalyze every thought that comes into my head.

See just writing this, is giving me grief.

Perhaps it’d be better if I write boring shit.

I don’t know anymore.

This no longer feels freeing. It feels more like an intervention to write. Fuck it.

Another baby

You decided to have another baby with him. I cant believe youd lean into this false narrative of a perfect family when it’s so far from perfect. You turned your back on us. On me. Your little sister, who youd raised. Are you brain washed or are you just paralyzed with fear of losing “everything”?

Are you the broken one here or am I?

Are you even hurting? Did I mean anything to you?

You meant everything to me. You were my big sister. Someone I idolized, someone I wanted to be like.

I cant believe youre having your second child with this man. Even after everything hes done to ruin this family.

Now youre trapped more than you were before. Is there any hope left…

Im not sure.

All I know is I’m so hurt.

So tired of this aching heart and this feeling of loss, like you’ve died.

You were someone I thought I could count on.

Now I just have trust issues. I’m broken really, left waiting for you to change.

Not sure that day will ever come.

I guess I’ll just continue to self destruct, not that you care.

You dont even ask Mom how I am or doing.

It’s pretty clear.

And you know, I dont cry so hard anymore.

I’ve become numb, closing up and putting my guard up.

I’ll just drown my sorrows in liquor. It’s what I’m destined for anyways right.

I see pictures of your daughter. She looks so happy and seems so smart.

I’m happy for you as weird as it sounds. I do want the best for you.

I guess I just wont be apart of that. Even though you are wrong for what youre doing whether you acknowledge it or not, I still think you derseve happiness. And if this is what happiness is for you, I’ll swallow the knot in my throat and let it be.

Youll just become someone I used to know.