Self-loathing on Thanksgiving

Do you ever know somethings a bad idea but you do it anyways?

This will be my second thanksgiving I havent spent with the ones I love the most; my sister, brother, sister in-law, and niece. It’s all because I outted my sisters boyfriend for what he did to me when I was younger, and my brother isnt here because the same year everything went down with my sister, he was off doing crack. My sister and I havent spoken in 2 years. And my older brother is in Florida with a new girl he knocked up. We hope hes sober but you can never really tell..

This year I didnt even see my mom. She went to her new rich boyfriends house for thanksgiving. So, I spent this year with my Dad, Aunt, cousins, and little brother.

My brother is a pot head and parties all the time. He never used to be like this before I told him how fucked up things were getting within our family. In fact, he was a straight edge kid. Never even had a sip of alcohol when given to him. He always felt he would become addicted like his Dad. Which is fair considering..

I picked him up today and he said he wasnt staying long. He had friends he wanted to hangout with after. I told him “you sure you dont want to stay till dad gets home from work, he’ll be sad he didnt get to see you” to which he replied “I already made plans”. He never stays the night and he rarely ever comes over. I get it. My dad is really hard on him about grades and stresses him out bad about college, the future, money, etc. I see it in his face. He doesnt know. He’s only 17. But, anyways so I said “Alright well you’ll have to call him and break his heart”. He said “yeah… it breaks moms heart too that we arent all together during the holiday”… I said “yeah well its not just her, were all hurting this time of year”…

There was a long pause. Then I asked if she had cried or something, he said no. And we pulled in the driveway.

That hurts me. I feel like its my fault things are all fucked up.

I broke up the family. My older brother had a part in it as well, but, overall it was me.

I know its my fault because my mom has even said, numerous times, whether directly or not that its my responsibilty to bring the family back together. Something along the lines of “Your sister is in denial and you just need to accept she wont come around unless you are in her life again. Youre the bigger person in this situation.” Of course, that never happened. It would crush me to have her deny what happened and believe him over me, her little sister, all over again. So, I just wait with all this anger, sadness, and guilt. I’m not entirely sure what I’m waiting for. Her to finally realize? And say sorry? Slim chance. And even if she had, things would never be the same.

That hurts the most above all. Things will never be the same between us. We had the closest relationship. She was my idol, my role model, my “mom” basically. She was always there for me and I was always there for her. We were bestfriends. We had the best relationship. But, clearly not a bulletproof realtionship. Not a real strong one anyway.

I hate him. For what he did. For the pain he’s caused my family. And I’m angry at her for not believing me, cutting me off, and blaming me.

I know I need to forgive. I need to forgive them to be able to move on. But, how the fuck does someone do that??? I want to. But, I dont know if i can.

So, here I am. Drinking alone. Again.

I know I shouldnt. It’s very self destructive of me lol. But, sometimes you feel like you have to loosen the pressure gauge alittle. I cant keep all of it in right?

Logging off,

Co

3 thoughts on “Self-loathing on Thanksgiving

  1. That’s the sucky part about toxic families. Noone wants to fix a problem, they just all want to turn away from it. My best friend is in a similar situation, but even when she tries, she hates alcohol… I just try to let her vent out and we try to accept that everyone’s a hot mess and it’s best just to focus on ourselves first before we fix other people’s problems. I’m sorry you have to deal with all that and that you didn’t have your full family with you. One day it could happen, but unfortunately, it’ll take a lot of work agh. And I’m totally pissed about your sister not believing you. If she still wants to be with a guy that’s capable of that, she’ll gonna pay for it in the end.

    Liked by 1 person

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