a sad lonely night of giving into my negative thoughts

It’s funny, the only time I want to blog is when I’m depressed and procrastinating on important stuff. Maybe I feel like 12:18 am is the time to write because nothing is too pressing or demanding and I dont feel so guilty for not doing work; anyways my brain is already dead past 11:00 pm right?

I’m listening to Elliott Smith right now, suprise surprise I know haha. I swear all my interests are centered around depressed poets, writers, or singers. When will I ever get out of this. Will I ever? I think about it often. I’m not depressed like I was but, I’m also not happy the majority of the time. Sure, I take the neccesary steps to help myself. I’ve been working out every day, listening to Alan B. Watts audio archives, going to therapy twice a week and reading “self-help” books. But, none of it seems to be working.

These past few weeks I’ve been really thinking about what I want to do with my life. I dont know who I was kidding, thinking I could be a Math & Science Major. I just wanted to make my Dad proud. My true interests lie in writing. My Aunt and Cousin say just pursue something I want, degrees dont really matter all that much anyways. So, maybe I will. I know if I’m to become a freelance writer or work at a publishing corp. I have to strengthen my writing abilities.

I’d love to be a freelance writer and travel while I write novels. Pretty good deal right? Maybe it’s unrealistic. I know my Dad would think so. I’m terrified to tell him what I really want to do. He’s very worried about money…. his entire life. Any money he’d get as a kid he’d save, never spending it on himself ever. Now, he never does anything but saves his money. He sits in front of the tv all day on his days off. Wakes up, gets coffee, sits and watches the news for 4-5 hours, needs to “get out of the house” and goes grocery shopping, comes back, sits down, watches some more news for maybe another 2 hours or so, goes to the liquor store, buys drink of choice; 6 tiny spirits, whiskey, wine, or vodka, comes home starts drinking, eats dinner with everyone, puts the news back on and gets wasted. Everyone at this point is so sick of the news and doesnt want to tell him to watch something else so everyone goes to their rooms and by 12:00 am he is hammered.

Came to the realization this past year living here that any conversation you have with him past 8 pm he wont remember. At all. This was kind of hard. It’s like he resets and any truly deep or personal conversation you have with him he wont remember the next morning.

It’s a very sad household. Everyones melancholoy all the time. Everyone talks in the past or the future. And no one does anything at all. Were isolated, cut off. It’s very lonely.

You know, my therapist one day said, “Some of the things that you’ve been so kind to share with me has led me to believe that maybe…” he covers his mouth and looks down for a brief moment muttering “Jeez, am I really going to say this”.. “that you seem very alone.”

I am lonely. And it’s me pushing people and friends away. It’s my fault. I push friends away because I’m afraid of what they’ll think. “Wow she’s changed, she’s weird now, I dont like the new her.” or “I dont know how to deal with her, she has too many problems, she’s messed up, shes no fun” are all the possible things they could be thinking. It’s irrational, I know it’s unlikely they are thinking this at all, but, some voice is constantly telling me all the things that could go wrong.

I try to silence these voices or replace it with a more contructive thought but, with every battle I win, every other I’m losing. And losing, surrendering, is so much easier than winning. Most of the time with my winning battles, I dont think really set in or change my thought patterns all that much. And I know writing this isnt the most helpful and reinforcing negative beliefs. But, it’s just how I feel right now.

My friends keep asking to hangout. I keep pushing plans off. I just dont think they’ll understand me. My therapist and family think it’ll really help me. I agree, it probably would but, it’s ironic, why is it always good advice thats always the hardest to take.

Maybe, I’ll just push myself no matter how shitty I feel or anxious.

Wow, how trivial. Sickening.

It’s like Alan B. Watts explains, the buddhists, christians etc. They believe there’s a moralistic self and a egotistical self that we are in constant battle with. It seems my egotistical self usually controls my thoughts, emotions, behaviors. Hell a lot of the time I just want to save my money and go live in a van for awhile, eventually settling down in a cabin in Ireland, alone in solitude living off the land with absolutely no responsibility. It’d be great.

But, my other self says pick yourself up. This too shall pass. You will make it through. And, you will be happy again, one day. I find it really hard to listen to this voice, even when it’s the most needed.

I guess we’ll have to see.

Logging off,

Co

(Charles Bukoswki poem and Elliot Smith song below)

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I’m not going
to let anybody see
you.

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he’s
in there.

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody’s asleep.
I say, I know that you’re there,
so don’t be
sad.

then I put him back,
but he’s singing a little
in there, I haven’t quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it’s nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don’t
weep, do
you?

8 thoughts on “a sad lonely night of giving into my negative thoughts

      1. My pleasure the thing about self help is , in your own time , things will happen when your ready for them too. The first step is always the hardest. I found for our family set tiny achievable goals with set time to achieve them. That way there is no pressure. You will be surprised how many goals they have achieved working that way 💗😀

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Hey, my name’s Ana, I’m 22. You might have seen my blog? I know I sound super awkward and random, but I read your posts and I totally understand how you feel sometimes, I used to be the same. Can’t imagine what it’s like with all the stuff you dealt with and still deal with, involving family and such. I like to think that the best way to deal with depression is not fight or ignore our negative emotions, but just let it out until there’s nothing left. It’s totally okay to feel lonely, sad, angry, etc. But if we bottle it up for so long, it can take over our lives. And especially when we’re sad, the easiest thing to do can be to isolate ourselves, but it’s actually what makes it worse. So, if you ever want to chat about stuff, vent, or have some fun once in a while, I’m here for you. My email and stuff are on my blog if you ever want to talk. Your blog’s great, so keep doing it lol Writing is a great purge for us angsty artists lol

    Liked by 2 people

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