Spoke with my therapist Richard. I was very transparent about everything. Told him about how I had started drinking again, rehashing old memories, and my lack of self care as of late. Even though I felt like shit the rest of the day. Something got through to me in that therapy session. He read me something he had wrote about my inner-dialogue and thought patterns. He said at the end of the page “You can’t hate yourself into accepting yourself,”….I know. Sounds obvious. But, for some reason it clicked. It’s strange how we all have blinders on to parts of ourselves that we just simply cant see without someone pointing it out. When you self-criticize, something inside you obviously wants you to change some aspect about yourself. And the irrational thing, is that you think this self-criticism will help and change that negative unwanted thing about yourself, but really, it only makes everything 10x harder to reconcile. You go into a spiral of self-hatred and only get worse. Until you, like me, have an apithany. And it always happens. Highs and lows. Constantly flucating like a yo-yo. You get clarity and a breath of air. Then you’re back to self-hatred because somewhere along the way you buy into these thoughts again.. or someone reinforces these beliefs whether intentionally or not. For me, my moment of clarity brought me back to self-care. For me taking care of myself is routine and cleaning/organizing. So, I got home from school and drank two cups of coffee and started cleaning my room that I hadn’t cleaned in 3 weeks. I did all my laundry. Took a bath. Put my night face creams on and went to bed a relatively early time. Self-care is like taking a shower after a long awful day. And for me, that self-destructive “I deserve this,” and “What’s the point” mentality was kind of pushed to the side for now while I loosen the reins a little. Doesn’t mean I don’t have those negative thoughts at all, just means I’m letting myself listen to my thoughts, feel the emotion that comes with it and letting it go.
I would like to know how we get so wrapped up in our thought patterns that we are so unaware of them. I was listening to Alan Watts, Out of my Mind archives and he said something along the lines of ‘If the man or women doesnt investigate their emotions/ behaviors, and why they are doing the thing they are doing they will always be confused. And if youre confused you know you havent let that emotion or behavior run its course, lending you the insight of why you behave or act in that particular way.” It’s seems so simple, and maybe that’s it. The most simple ideologies are sometimes the hardest to fully grasp. It’s right in front of you and you still cant see it. I never fully understood what David Foster Wallace may have meant when he said “Everything I’ve ever let go of, has claw marks on it” until now. Or maybe that’s just me making connections and putting a lot of depth to it. But, either way for this was all able to get through to me, and I listened. It’s nice when that happens.
I’ll leave on a high note.
“Nobody can save you but yourself and you’re worth saving. It’s a war not easily won but if anything is worth winning then this is it.” -Charles Bukowski